Me and cupid aren’t friends. Maybe because the last time he shot me with his arrow I called him a big fat baby. Well he started it. Stupid cupid kept making me fall for good looking fools (believe me there are more expressive and less polite ways of describing them). Anyway so I lost my cool, he doesn’t talk to me anymore and as a recurring single I hate Valentine's Day.
Now that Hallmark-excuse-for-money-making day is made worse by the fact that I caved into my mean dentist and got adult braces. So now I look like Ugly Betty despite claiming I’ve invested in teeth bling, I constantly and obviously have food stuck in my teeth and no boy is ever going to look twice at me again. On the upside the appointments are so painful that I can’t eat solids for days afterwards. So thanks to regularly enforced detoxes I’m at least going to look good from the neck down. Maybe if I make fascinators my signature fashion piece no one will notice the metal party going on in my mouth. Anyway, I digress.
My point was that this Valentine's ain’t gonna be any different from previously single years so I need a plan. A plan you say? Yes, a brilliant plan to stave off any loneliness monsters trying to convince me my single life isn’t great. It is. I can go for months on end without waxing anything, buy as many shoes as I like without lying about it and I don’t have to yell at anyone for farting in my lemon-scented home. I would ignore Valentine's but I don’t want to end up like bitter Miss Haversham OR tell anyone all I really want to do is re-read Pride and Prejudice and eat chocolate. But I also refuse to sit in a restaurant watching loved up couples being sickeningly sweet to each other. Ugh, public displays of affection should be illegal. They rate on my bad taste-o-meter somewhere between high cut fluorescent leotards and liking Jordon: that’s extreme.
So what are my options - bungy jumping? Can’t, haven’t got time to go bra shopping. Sabotaging other people’s day? Too easy. Cosmopolitans? Too Sex in The City without the awesome clothing budget. That leaves just one option: I need to get away. Preferably to a country that doesn’t know or care about the shallowest, fakest holiday ever thought of. And if I get a really hot tan, maybe Cupid won’t recognise me when I get back.
I locked myself in my flat, ate Nachos & watched Bend it like Beckham, followed by a session of Ska dancing around said flat to Reel Big Fish, Goldfinger & anything else that took my fancy.
ReplyDeleteProbably why I'm single: I have too much fun on my own.