As I trawl through Freecycle postings of hamster bedding, cloth nappies and out-of-date jam I wonder if I am wasting my time. I’m all for reducing consumption and recycling (if only because I am down to my last fiver) but somehow Freecycle isn’t coming up with the goods I need: designer heels, dark chocolate and some hot red lipstick. The news that Britain is apparently temporarily crawling out of recession hasn’t seemed to have hit the magazine bosses judging from their seemingly eternal staff freeze so I am skint, broke, ain’t nothin’ but lint in my pretty pockets.
But I’m a girl of action and I thought that it was time to do some research. I scanned something about percentages, stocks and investment options and quickly developed a headache. Then I remembered: I am allergic to numbers. Damn. I needed an alternate plan, much like a super hero who has been temporarily thwarted by their evil enemy. Maybe I could be the next Robin Hood? I could steal from flagrantly rich people that annoy me like Simon Cowell who throws multi-million birthday parties for himself or plastic Paris Hilton (enough said). Then I remembered stealing was illegal and being in jail time might affect my brilliant career. Hmm. So I decided to become a freegan, rummaging in supermarket bins for out-of-date food. One man's trash is another man's free treasure, right? I decided that it also counted eating off other people’s plates when they were in the bathroom and nicking fruit off neighbours’ trees. It was when I thought about how I would get clothes that I realised that my secret plans and clever tricks had more flaws than a Primark jumper. Maybe Micha Barton and Mary Kate Olsen can pull it off but hobo chic just doesn’t work for me. I just end up looking like, well, a hobo. Must be my lack of stylist.
Right before I sold my hair for cash (isn’t that what Britney was doing? Poor girl) I remembered some recent world events and realised I had more money than most, a lot more. And that if I stopped mainlining coffee I could give some more of my money away. I wonder if we all have luxuries we could cut down to fund charities and what exactly would happen in the world if we did. So, penny for my thoughts? I reckon that one’s worth at least a pound.
